


Just Fuck Me Up

by Princex_N



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Compulsions, Delusions, Gaming, Gen, Let's Play, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Paranoia, Stimming, Tics & Spasms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 01:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4244721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shawn stares at the computer for a long time and they know that this is a terrible idea, and yet they can't quite make themself stop, especially not when they've already gotten this far along in the process. </p><p>They also think that the embarrassment of backing out in the long run would be worse than anything this game could possibly do to them. </p><p>They very carefully knock against the wooden desk with their knuckles, even though they didn't say anything out loud and don't actually believe in superstition. With something like this, Shawn can't take any chances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Fuck Me Up

**Author's Note:**

> Some Spoilers for the Game: [The Last Door](http://thelastdoor.com)  
>   
> I'm actually a little worried that this is going to be boring?

Shawn stares at the computer for a long time and they know that this is a terrible idea, and yet they can't quite make themself stop, especially not when they've already gotten this far along in the process. 

Convincing themself that this is a good idea, getting a screen capture program that actually works, getting a microphone that actually works, making a livestream account, finding a game, and then they went and made it permanent via social media. It's unlikely that anyone would forcibly hold them accountable, but the few friends that they've managed to scrounge up would no doubt be horribly disappointed if they back out, and Shawn really doesn't like disappointing people. They also think that the embarrassment of backing out in the long run would be worse than anything this game could possibly do to them. 

They very carefully knock their knuckles against the wooden desk, even though they didn't say anything out loud and don't actually believe in superstition. With something like this, Shawn can't take any chances. 

That being said, they still have several false starts before they actually gather up the courage to start the program, and then there's an extended period of time where they can't get it to work, and they're quickly reaching the end of their patience when it finally starts to work, and the stream shows up as operational on their laptop. 

Now there's a few minutes where they dick around and wait for people to show up, they mess around with the camera to make sure they don't look stupid, they go find the game, and open it up, leaving it on the instructions page because they're not actually sure where the game begins, and they don't want to start it when there's no one there, because that would be stupid. 

But Shawn's friends show up relatively quickly, and apparently they invited their own friends because there's more people logged on in a very short amount of time than Shawn was expecting to show up at all. 

They're starting to get nervous. (A quick glance at the clock shows that it's almost midnight, the witching hour, which makes Shawn more nervous before they forcibly remind themself that they don't believe in that shit) 

A quick glance at the chat and they notice that Esther is pestering them to start (it was hir idea to do this in the first place. Well, Shawn's desire, but Esther's pushing made it actually happen. Shawn is maybe regretting listening to hir now.) 

"Shut up Esther," they respond out loud, "I just wanted to make sure that no one missed anything." 

Hir reply comes quickly, "It's their fault they're late, and I think ur just being a little bitch and are quitting." 

Shawn snorts, "Fine, Christ, I'll start it." Ze asks if they're planning on turning off the lights like they're supposed to, "Hell no. Are you kidding me? I'm fucking myself over just playing this game, doing it with the lights off? I'll die." Esther continues, but Shawn very pointedly looks away from the chat and pulls on their headphones, "I've never played this game before, and so I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, and so if it's starting to look horrifically hopeless, you can go ahead and give me some hints or whatever, because I don't really want to have to play this game any longer than I have to. 

Another one of Shawn's friends, Chris, tells Shawn to stop being a "slow ass whore" and start the game. Shawn takes a moment to wonder why all of their friends are such dicks, and then says, "Fine. Hi, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Shawn, and I'm going to be playing The Last Door because I hate myself. Let's go." 

They reread the instructions, and turn up the volume a cautionary few points, and then switch over to the dyslexic friendly font as soon as possible, just to see if it's better than the pixels, and then decides that it's not, and switches it back. Chris reminds them that they need to be talking more or this video is going to be stupid, Shawn thanks him and then proceeds to read the appearing lines of text out loud. They're a little confused at first, because it doesn't seem like much of a game, but after some clicking around they get the hang of it and continues. 

But suicide, what a way to start a game. Shawn's uncomfortable already and they don't even think that they've gotten to anything that's supposed to be scary. 

"Well I'm uncomfortable." Shawn says out loud, taking Chris's suggestion to heart as they watch a man suffocate to death at the end of a rope, even pixelated it's disturbing. Shawn wiggles a little in their seat and tries to keep their hands on the mouse and not flapping around anxiously. They keep trying to keep their focus on the game, but they're also keenly aware of lines of text passing in the livestream's chat and they're a little desperate to know what people are saying, in case it's anything bad. 

It only gets worse as Shawn reads the game's text, and keeps stuttering and getting stuck on words, repeating them several times before they're able to jerk themself out of the loop and continue on. 

Just walking into the house, Shawn can feel their body getting tense and they're suddenly very super aware of their surroundings, both in the game and out of it. Staring at the screen in silence for a moment, they can feel their heartbeat increasing in tempo and they let out a very strangled laugh, "Holy shit, the game hasn't even started yet and I'm already nervous as hell." 

Esther reminds them that they're always nervous, "Thank you Esther, for reminding me, I'd almost forgotten that I had anxiety disorders, among other things." Esther says You're Welcome. 

Going from room to room, there's an uncomfortable feeling that rises in Shawn's spine in response to their growing anxiety and paranoia, and it isn't long before they start to tic. Their head jerking to the side, or shaking, and making it difficult to focus on the game because they can't keep their head still long enough to see it. So they push their chair back away from the desk and try to let it all out, allowing themself to tic for a solid minute before forcing it back under control and getting closer to their screen. They remember that they're supposed to be talking.

"Sorry about that," they say as they walk into another room, opening a door hesitantly, "I-" they cut themself off as the room they walked into lets out a loud groaning noise and they fumble the mouse in their haste to exit it, "Holy fuck." they swear, as their heartbeat ratchets up some more and their hands start to sweat. They take a deep breath, and then makes themself click back into the room, the noise sounds again and they back out again, "I'll just go somewhere else, and come back later or something? Dark rooms, scary noises, no thank you." 

This gets them through two more rooms that are largely uninteresting, Shawn manages to get one thing done pretty easily, using the rosary to keep the window open, but since they're not sure what they're supposed to do past that, that means that the only thing they can do now is go into the dark room with the scary noise. Esther and Chris and several people Shawn doesn't know have ganged together to force them into it, "But I don't want to." They whine, this gets them nowhere, the people in the chat tell them to stop pussyfooting around and get on with it, Shawn proceeds and tries not to let it show that they are cautiously bumping up the brightness of their screen to keep the reflection of the room behind them off of it (a bad decision to watch a video two years ago has led to a chronic fear of reflections, Shawn can't look behind them via reflection without panicking anymore. Shawn hates short horror films with a passion, and hates their lack of impulse control even more.) 

The door in the dark room is locked and the game says that the dark room is too dark to let them go. 

They're officially at a loss as to what to do. 

"Well fuck," they say, "Now what am I supposed to do?" 

No one helps, figure it out yourself, they say. Shawn is unamused.

Then they remember that they have a lamp in their inventory, "Shit." they mutter, because with that, they can go into the dark room. "But that room creeps me out, I don't want to go in there, oh my god." 

The viewers are unsympathetic. 

Nothing happens in the dark room, but going through the dark room leads them to a door, which has a set of stairs that goes down. 

"No." Shawn says, "No way I'm going down to the basement." 

Esther tells them to stop being a pussy, someone else assures them that it just goes back to the main room. "If you're lying to me, I'm going to hate you forever." Shawn says, voice shaking minutely, but they do go down the stairs, and it does lead back to the main room, "Thank you." 

They proceed to take the key back to the locked room and unlock it. It leads into the basement." 

"FUCK" Shawn yells unhappily, shuffling around in their seat angrily, "I didn't want to go to the basement and this door was the basement the whole time?" They turn their head a little and squint their eyes, and manage to get most of the way through before stopping again, but for reasons not involved in the game. They pull off their headphones and look behind them in sharp motions because Shawn would have sworn on a bible before God that they heard something move behind them. There's, predictably, nothing there, but they still can't make themself go back to the game until they double check that the door is locked and that there isn't anything hiding in the room. Again, predictably, nothing, but contrary to what everyone around them says, Shawn doesn't think that you can be too cautious, even if you don't really believe in something. 

They go back to the game and ignore the people asking what just happened, and push further into the basement. Something clatters and they whip off the headphones again and listen hard to make sure that that was a noise from the game and not a noise in real life, while putting the headphones back on, Shawn hears someone breathing, they keep the headphones off and then puts them back on carefully to find that every noise they heard was indeed from the game. 

"Fuck this game man." Shawn whines, as they find that going back towards the starting point of the basement is almost twice as heart stoppingly frightening as going through the first time. They're convinced that something is going to jump out at them, but nothing does, and so they just go back towards the main room to put the stupid record on the stupid record player. 

The record could easily be the creepiest thing Shawn has ever ever listened to in their life. When it starts to skip and refuses to stop, Shawn panics, "Fuck," they hiss, fleeing the room and stopping there to take a deep breath. Breaking things is an odd fear of theirs that Shawn can't quite explain, one that apparently extends to breaking things in video games, and their hands are shaking and they're breathing a little too quickly for comfort. 

Comfort that diminishes further when the record screeches to a stop in the other room. 

"The music stopped abruptly." Shawn reads off, which means that they're going to have to investigate it to make the game proceed. "Fuuuck" 

They bite down hard on their lower lip, and go back into the room with the record player. 

And then they nearly have a goddamn heart attack. 

"Mother of fucking christ" they hiss, pushing back away from their desk as a sharp piano noise startles them even further, the character on screen stands frozen in front of dozens of fucking crows in a room that is now bathed in dim blood red light. "Jesus," Shawn swears, clenching a handful of their shirt in their fist, feeling their rapid heartbeat in their chest. "What the hell do I do now?" 

They end up shuffling awkwardly past the birds, terrified that one of them is going to fly out and attack them, but they get past with no problem. The newer problem that arises one Shawn has finally managed to get their breathing under control is the god awful noise that the dying crow in their inventory is making. A horrific rasping noise that doesn't stop as they walk around, and they can practically feel their brain memorizing the sound. "Dammit." they mutter, and then later finds that the disembodied echoing sounds of the meowing isn't any better at all, especially because it occasionally sounds like a small child. 

Just what they needed, more fuel on the fire.  

The cat jumping out at them leads to the second anxiety attack of the night. 

"Goddammit what an ungrateful little asshole," they snarl, stupidly angry at the cat, the game, and their friends as they brush away tears of panic and anger. 

Going around and finding the stupid body is enough to allow them to calm down while still leaving them irrationally paranoid. 

The paranoia that ratchets up into sheer panic when the crows bust through the window and tear apart the body that Shawn spent the entire game trying to find. 

The sound of shattering glass in the game makes Shawn nervous enough that they have to go around the room and make sure that the glass in real life is still intact while the credits of the game flash across the screen. 

Then they check the door and the closet again just to be safe. 

Once that's done and they have a better grip on themself, Shawn goes back to sit and says, "To be honest, fuck that game." They frown, "I want to know what happened." 

He is reminded by several people that that means that they have to play the next installment, and then all of the chapters after that. "I know," they say miserably, tapping their fingers rhythmically against the side of their neck, "And It's starting to look like I hate myself enough to actually do that." 

Esther sends them several lines of obnoxious laughter and admits that ze suggested the game because ze figured that Shawn wouldn't be able to not figure out the end of the story. 

Shawn reiterates their hatred for hir, which earns them more laughter via text. 

"Okay well, I'll make sure to let you guys know if I do end up playing the next part. Meanwhile I'm going to go sit in my bed and not sleep for the next three days. Thanks for watching you guys, wish me luck with my new paranoia and delusions." 

People bid them a goodbye, and Shawn shuts down the stream, and then finds that they can't even make themself leave the fucking room. So instead, they check the door, closet, and windows again and then sit at their desk, with the intent of doing something distracting, but instead finds that they can't even make themself look away from the door. They're going to have to look at the door all fucking night. 

"Goddammit." Shawn mutters to themself, shuffling around their laptop to try and find a way to situate themself with it so that they can watch both the screen and the door at the same time, so that they can satisfy this weird compulsion and hopefully distract themself from it at the same time, and hurriedly downloads the next episodes of the Last Door just to have, just in case. 

(They'll keep saying "just in case" and "maybe" until the next stream, because they can't quite make themself admit that they're going to play it. But they are going to play it. Maybe.)

Then they hear that stupid fucking crow's stupid ass death rattle in their head and they nearly drop their laptop and delete the files off their computer. 

Nearly.

**Author's Note:**

> I've loved this idea forever, and actually started writing a huge convention type fic that was planned to be book length, but I ended up dropping it for some reason. This was also supposed to be a youtuber fic, but where I don't know how Youtube works, I do know how livestreaming works, so that was that.
> 
> The Last Door was the first horror game i could think of, and I played it while writing this fic to get it right, but I also left out chunks to keep this from becoming some kind of walkthrough.
> 
> i'm open to writing more of this if people like it, and hell, I might even go forward with my initial convention plan, or anything that you might want to see specifically (a certain game, the aftermath of a game, etc.), so idk, let me know. 
> 
> Also IDK if anyone cares, but Shawn is Agender, Esther is a demigirl, and Chris is a transguy. 
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://princex-n.tumblr.com).


End file.
